Over a year ago I left my job for a number of great reasons. You can read about them here. It’s been an amazing fourteen months but every once in a while I find myself re-reading that original blog post. What is my thing? And why is it so damn hard for me to find it? I feel as if I’ve come to a point where I am no longer making progress on my own. If I want to move forward I need a new approach.
So I went to see a friend yesterday. Okay that’s not entirely true. I went to see my therapist. Yes, you heard me right. I went to see my therapist. Who, over the past ten years, has become a “friend”. So, partly true. She has helped me through way worse stuff than this over the years and always seems to zero in on exactly what is tripping me up.
I did, for a moment, think twice about writing this post. That perhaps it was too personal. That it would leave me a bit too open and exposed. But then I thought, “Hell, there must be other women in my position?” I can’t be the only fifty something mom trying to figure out where she fits into this world. (Or maybe I am) Also, I’m not one to hide under a rock. So here I am, baring my sole to you as I did to her.
A few weeks ago I went on a girls weekend.
A weekend away with four friends that I have known for well over ten years. All with kids and all successful in interesting careers. An accountant, an engineer, a speech pathologist and a marketing consultant. Over the course of the weekend I began to feel……directionless. Don’t get me wrong, I can hold my own with this crowd but I just felt like I could be doing more with my life. As they were. That I had more to offer than yoga and renovating the bathroom.
The week after that trip I had a very vivid dream.
I was in an art class at a university and the professor had asked us to start work on a project. The project was to represent our life. He wanted us to make some notes in point form (sometimes my dreams are very precise). As I worked away on my notes the teacher walked around the class and made comments on what we had done so far. As he leaned over my shoulder he grunted and said “No, you can’t do that. It’s too boring.” But it represents my life, I said. “I know. It’s boring. Make it better”. He said. What the hell?
So I took these events and laid them out to my “friend” and asked her to help me. She walked me though some exercises and made some observations and suggestions. Within minutes she had figured out what she thought was holding me back. I told you she was good.
And here is what I walked away with……..
We go through life thinking we have handled things from our past. Things that we think are behind us and dealt with. Sometime they are. Sometime they aren’t. Sometime they are lurking in the shadows with a roll of barbed wire, hell-bent on keeping us from being free. Sometime we think things are unimportant and dismiss them as irrelevant. Like an untied shoe lace that will eventually trip you up.
I have some work to do in the next few weeks but I am confident that I can, with my “friends” help, figure out what my thing is. This week the Best Thing in Life is knowing when to ask for help and having a resource to go to for that help.