Tonight it hit me. Tonight the tears fell.
It’s been three days since my mom died.
I finally realized why I haven’t gone through my photos to find the perfect picture for the reception. Why I haven’t decided on a caterer. Why I have told people it was “for the best” that she wasn’t suffering anymore. Why I have gone to work and kept busy.
It was because I didn’t want it not be true. I didn’t want it to be real.
I didn’t want my mom to be dead.
But she is. My sweet, feisty, occasionally inappropriate, mom is dead. Not passed away. She hated that expression. She always used to say.
“People don’t pass away. They die.”
The first time I walked into the apartment after she died I was shocked to find that she wasn’t there. Where was she? Why wasn’t she sitting at her desk? Why didn’t I hear her voice? Why was I only making one cup of tea with honey?
I have lost my comfort person. The person I call when life sucks. The person who always picks up and knows that something is wrong before you even speak. And right now I need my comfort person. Because right now life sucks.
She was so brave in these last weeks. She tolerated the imaginable and still kept her sense of humor.
At one point my brother, bless his heart, was trying to get her to take a sip of water from a straw. On the fourth attempt I could see the exasperation in his face. He really wanted….needed her to take some water. She was having none of it. Without even opening her eyes she put her hand up and said “Piss off”. Classic mom.
I know that she is still here with me in her own special way. Telling me that it’s going to be okay. Maybe she’s right. She usually was.
The Best Thing in Life is that I will have eighty four years of memories to keep me company. But tonight, the tears will continue to fall.