Tonight it hit me.  Tonight the tears fell.  

It’s been three days since my mom died.  

I finally realized why I haven’t  gone through my photos to find the perfect picture for the reception.  Why I haven’t decided on a caterer.  Why I have told people it was “for the best” that she wasn’t suffering anymore. Why I have gone to work and kept busy.

It was because I didn’t want it not be true.  I didn’t want it to be real.

I didn’t want my mom to be dead.

But she is. My sweet, feisty, occasionally inappropriate, mom is dead.   Not passed away.  She hated that expression.  She always used to say.

“People don’t pass away.  They die.”

The first time I walked into the apartment after she died I was shocked to find that she wasn’t there.  Where was she?   Why wasn’t she sitting at her desk?  Why didn’t I hear her voice?  Why was I only making one cup of tea with honey?

I have lost my comfort person.  The person I call when life sucks.  The person who always picks up and knows that something is wrong before you even speak.  And right now I need my comfort person.  Because right now life sucks.

She was so brave in these last weeks.  She tolerated the imaginable and still kept her sense of humor.  

At one point my brother, bless his heart, was trying to get her to take a sip of water from a straw.  On the fourth attempt I could see the exasperation in his face.  He really wanted….needed her to take some water.  She was having none of it.  Without even opening her eyes she put her hand up and said “Piss off”.   Classic mom.

I know that she is still here with me in her own special way.  Telling me that it’s going to be okay.  Maybe she’s right.  She usually was.  

The Best Thing in Life is that I will have eighty four years of memories to keep me company.  But tonight, the tears will continue to fall.  

10 thoughts on “Mom

  1. Josh Wrenn November 1, 2016 / 4:20 pm

    I’m so very sorry for your loss.

  2. George November 1, 2016 / 4:59 pm

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. There is something indescribable when you lose a parent. The person who was always there. The person who you felt was indestructible, no matter what. There are no words.
    I pray your mom has found peace and you find the strength to live with her memories in your heart.

  3. PositivelyUnbroken November 1, 2016 / 5:34 pm

    So sorry for your loss, Susan. I am sending you hugs and wishing you peace as you find a new ‘normal.’ ❤

  4. mariner2mother November 2, 2016 / 12:29 am

    I’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s death. Be gentle with yourself during this time of grief. It sucks. And then the grief passes. And then something will bring it back up, and so on. One day, you’ll notice it’s been longer and longer in between the times you turn to grab the phone and call her, only to catch yourself.

  5. kdrcrown November 2, 2016 / 6:29 am

    Godspeed to your lovely, feisty mom. Virtual hugs from a stranger in cyberspace..

  6. Life of Janine November 3, 2016 / 3:17 pm

    I’m so sorry that your mom is gone. It doesn’t matter how old we are, saying goodbye to a parent is awful, horrible, devastating. It may be a cliche, but I hope your memories bring you some comfort.

  7. candidkay November 5, 2016 / 6:28 pm

    Oh, I’m so very sorry. It’s such a solitary endeavor, grief. Be good to yourself and know the love remains. Will keep you in my prayers.

  8. camparigirl November 7, 2016 / 12:50 pm

    I am with your mom – detest “passed away”. Said goobye to my dad this morning. I can actually say I know what you are going through.

    • bestthingsinlife1964 November 8, 2016 / 9:14 pm

      I’m so sorry. I wish I could say it gets easier but in my case it seems to be getting worse. Not sure there that there are the right words……ever.

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